The First Month

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Poetry
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Happy Anniversary

I watch you fondly, amazed at what I see,
your full of endless love, and true sincerity
I've never experienced such a beautiful sight
your charming glow bathing me in warm light
I'm overcome with joy, basking in the affectionate rays
hoping that I'm able to show you love in such ways

I hear your sweet voice whispering in my ear
my heart melts, as what you say brings out a tear
'I love you', you say, 'always and forever'
'we're going to spend the rest of our lives together'
My head spins, unable to comprehend
as I hope this moment will never end

I feel your gentle arms, reach around from behind
as you hug me tight, our bodies becoming entwined
in that instant, nothing else matters
as all the pain from before shatters
until I'm left there with you, loved, open and full of emotion
and I hand you my heart, as a sign of my devotion

I love you so much Jesse, you're the only one
it wasn't until I met you, that my life had begun
you've filled my void, and made me complete
you've made the emptiness give way in defeat
I'm so lucky to have someone so special in my life
and I'm so glad we were fortunate enough to meet,
one month ago..this very night.

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story thingy.....
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I remember that day all too well, though now it only seems like a distant memory. I used to live it every day, playing it over in my head until I would just break down, usually crying myself to sleep. I would wake the next morning, my eyes still burning from the tears that had managed to escape during my dreams, which would not let me get away from that painful day. My life had come to that. Everything I did or thought of reminded me how bad I was hurt, and how love had completely smacked me in the face. I tried so hard shut the pain out completely, but that only made it hurt more. I don’t think I was capable of forgetting it go so easily. It just hurt too much. I know I didn't deserve to feel that way, but if I forgot everything, what would I have become?

So I dwelled on it. For so long I wrote poetry to ease the pain, and to help release some of the emotions that had built up inside of me. I felt I couldn’t show my tears to anyone. I felt weak and vulnerable, so I mainly held it in. Only on the few occasions I was alone did I allow myself to release my hurt through tears. I cried so hard and for so long that I was barely able to breath. I couldn’t help but wonder what I did to deserve this. It wasn't fair. I had been in love, and love was supposed to be a good thing. After that one day, I shut everyone and everything out. I became hollow and empty, never showing anyone any kind of true emotion. My face had become pale from the mask I was constantly wearing. It was a bad way to live and I knew it. But how could I get hurt if I didn't allow anyone in? That really didn’t help things much.

I thought I would be better off alone so I went on with my life in such a manner. Everyone around me was with someone they had loved and I sat back watching their happiness. I begin to feel alone again and the pain would take its toll, making my insides fume with jealousy. I became consumed by it, and it helped foster my anger towards the one who had hurt me, and made me the way I had become.

This went on for about 3 years. I kept trying to remember the way I used to be before my emotions had shut down. I recalled being more cheerful and outgoing. I was full of spirit and my face showed it truthfully. I might have been a little sad at the time that I hadn't found someone, like most of my friends had, but at least I had never been hurt. After that painful day, I completely changed. Sometimes I wondered what kind of person I would have become had I not fell victim to my first love. But the saying ‘What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger’ would come to mind. Defiantly not words to live by, but it helped me look at the situation a bit differently.

Although I had become distant and hollow, if I had not closed up like I did, I might not have met my true love. Though I'm not yet used to feeling this kind of emotion, my love is helping me open up to the world. My 'protective' shell is cracking and my true feelings are finally seeping out. I think it's going to be a slow process, but I am finally caring again.

I still hold some negative feelings towards the person who had decided to hurt me so bad, but I am also glad it happened. I lost 3 years of feeling, and showing, any emotion from that experience, yet I gained a lifetime of happiness. For the first time in my life I am truly happy. I didn’t think that I could smile again without having to force it. I never knew that tears could actually fall from happiness. My days now seem brighter and I actually look forward to seeing each tomorrow.

Another change that my love has helped me with is I'm no longer afraid of who or what I am. Before him, I always lived in doubt, afraid to even admit to myself completely about who I really am. I always knew it in my heart, but couldn't completely accept it. I've acted upon it many times, but I always made sure to think to myself that I was only exploring that aspect of my sexuality, and that I wasn't completely gay. Now that I'm with him, I'm able to come out and tell people, and more importantly, tell myself. I'm happy, in love, and true to myself. I never thought it was possible. And I have my love to thank for it all. He may not know it, but he has saved me from what I might have become, had I continued down the road I was headed. He has given me a reason to just be me, and to change for the better. Now I don't just live because I'm alive and here, but I live for him, to be happy with him and spend the rest of my life with him. I never thought I would ever get over my last relationship, but now that I have Jesse, I haven't even thought about it, except when I think about how much I've changed in the last month.

Jesse, you have brought out so much in me, you've made me happy and turned me into a better person. You're my lobster Jess, and I can't believe I actually found you. I just wanted to show you how you have changed my life and say that I love you with all my heart, always and forever.